


In My Head.

by carpethefanfics



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Hayley Kiyoko - Freeform, Implied Sexual Content, Inspired, Jealousy, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Unrequited Love, implied nsfw, sleepover, wlw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-11-21 12:16:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11357328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpethefanfics/pseuds/carpethefanfics
Summary: Dorcas wants what she (thinks) knows she can never have.





	In My Head.

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: implied NSFW content
> 
> Inspired by the song Sleepover by actual queen Hayley Kiyoko
> 
> Enjoy.

  * ‘What about this one?’
  * She spun around one more time to face her
  * Dorcas swallowed heavily 
  * The white shirt was clinging to her frame
  * The maroon skirt fluttering around her
  * Her hands smoothing over the creases of it
  * Moving down the length of her to adjust the stockings that fit snug against her thighs
  * Her freshly done curls tumbling off her shoulders and covering her face
  * The gold that was the ends of her hair flickering in the light
  * Dorcas took a deep breath
  * Trying not to let the dimple in Marlene’s left cheek or the soft pink of her lips distract her
  * _Compliment her you prat_
  * _She’s your best friend_
  * ‘It-ugh, it’s great Marls, you’ll knock him dead or whatever’
  * She let herself smile, small and painful, but a smile nonetheless
  * And then Marlene peered up at her  _and winked_
  * Hands still gracefully running over her thighs
  * And the sight knocked the breath right out of Dorcas’ lungs
  * ‘Oh I plan too’
  * She grabbed her bag, one more swipe of lipstick, one more shake of her curls
  * The curve of her waist, the dip of her back, the endless sight of her legs
  * _Fuck_
  * ‘Don’t wait up alright?’
  * Dorcas was chewing on the inside of her cheek and watching her leave
  * The door swinging open and slamming shut
  * It felt like a chasm between them 
  * And all Dorcas was left with was the glow from her smile
  * And the smell of vanilla she left in her wake
  * Before she was rolling over on her bed
  * Her face hitting the pillow, her hands curling up in the blankets, the tightness in her jaw not ready to release just yet
  * She was trying to stop hole in the pit of her stomach from growing as it had been 
  * By the day
  * By the hour
  * By the  _minute_
  * She had filled the time like this with false hope and late night dreaming and lies she told herself to make it okay
  * But it wasn’t
  * **_Nothing_** about this was okay
  * Nothing about the lowly feeling or the ache in her chest
  * Because she wasn’t supposed to feel this way
  * Not for her best friend
  * Not for the one person she knew would never feel the same
  * _Why couldn’t it be anyone else?_
  * She rolled over
  * She didn’t even want to think about it anymore
  * Didn’t want to talk about it 
  * Didn’t want to admit to someone else that she was as hopelessly lost as she knew she was
  * What would she even say?
  * _Oh and by the way I am absolutely head over heels for Marlene and I’ve been just about driving myself mad for months trying not to snog her senseless but its not a big deal of course because_ ** _obviously_** _she doesn’t feel that way and I don’t want to actually do anything about it._
  * _Okay?_
  * **_Okay_** _._
  * She groaned
  * She was not doing a very good time distracting herself
  * She never did
  * Despite throwing herself into homework, into extra field time, into clubs
  * And she  **thought** she had it reigned back in
  * Thought she had exhausted herself enough,  _lied to herself_  enough that she could get by
  * But then the sunshine came and with it Marlene slipping in next to her at breakfast
  * Elbows bumping, thighs touching, the smell of vanilla filling her head again
  * That laugh, that smile
  * The way Marlene bumped against her to rid her of her sleepy eyes and grumpy smile
  * Back down the rabbit hole she went every damn time
  * Trying to be a good friend, trying to keep her boundaries, trying to keep her secrets nestled inside herself
  * And then Marlene was crawling into her bed
  * Interlocking their fingers, whispering about memories and fears and days to come into the night
  * Rubbing her back when her nose was running and her body was sore and her voice was hoarse
  * But every time she sat next to her Dorcas was day-dreaming of  **more**
  * And then the words Marlene had been saying since the day they met on those small wooden boats would replay in her head
  * **‘Friends forever Dorcas’**
  * **‘Friends forever’**
  * _But oh god_
  * The way her smile made her eyes shine
  * And her laugh echoed in her mind
  * The way she let her tongue run along her bottom lip when she ate something sweet
  * Dorcas could think of something so much better than that
  * Until she was sitting here
  * Left to her own devices while Marlene was off gallivanting down to Hogsmead
  * And sneaking kisses in secret passageways with whomever had caught her eye 
  * And all Dorcas could think was,  _at least I got you in my head_
  * That’s where Dorcas could intertwine their fingers
  * Where she could wrap her arm around Marlene’s waist
  * Where she could pepper her neck, her collarbones, her chest with kisses
  * Where she could curl around her and let her fingers rest on her hip instead of curled up away from her
  * Rest her head, rest her lips, in the space between her shoulder and her neck
  * Let her thighs straddle the sides of her hips
  * Let their lips move together, soft and languid and slow
  * Listening to her talk for endless hours about anything and everything
  * Rubbing small circles into her back when the day was long and stress was high
  * But then Dorcas would wake
  * Come back to reality where Lily was shaking her into the conversation
  * Or Alice was waving her hand in front of her eyes
  * _Earth to Dorcas_
  * _Where do you keep disappearing?_
  * And Dorcas would smile and apologize
  * Let the excuses roll off her shoulders like they always did
  * _Too tired_
  * _Too much studying_
  * _Not enough to eat_
  * And as it got silent
  * As she saw Marlene with someone else
  * As she watched them fiddle with the hem of Marlene’s shirt
  * Get too close
  * That pit would grow black and dark and the hollowness that she had become so familiar with  **yearned**
  * Because even if Marlene was next to her
  * Sitting by the lake
  * On the common room floor
  * Laying in her bed
  * It was never the way she pictured it
  * Never the way she  _hoped_ for it
  * And it just made her feel all the more alone
  * **Why couldn’t she just stay in her head?**
  * The Dorcas in there seemed so happy and content and at peace
  * The Dorcas in there could reach out her hand
  * _Come on Marls, let’s sleep in my bed_
  * And Marlene would lean in close
  * Lips ghosting over lips
  * Noses brushing together
  * _Okay_
  * But she could feel herself breaking her own heart over and over and over again
  * Because this wasn’t real
  * This could  **never** be real
  * And she wanted to just say it
  * Let it tumble off her chest like a weight she had never intended to bear
  * Let Marlene hear the words in the dark of the night, in the warmth of her bed
  * _I think I’m falling in love with you_
  * _I think I’ve fallen in love with you_
  * But then she’d recoil
  * Afraid of what Marlene would think
  * More afraid of what Marlene would  **say**
  * Because it was one thing to break her own heart
  * But it was something completely different to have it be broken by someone else
  * So Dorcas laid there
  * Staring at the curtains around her
  * And letting her eyes fall closed
  * Because at least she had Marlene in her head right?
  * Had her hands on her waist
  * And her thighs wrapped around her own
  * Had her eyes solely on her
  * _Yeah_ , Dorcas thought
  * _At least I have her in my head_



**Author's Note:**

> http://carpethefanfics.tumblr.com/post/162434518147/in-my-head


End file.
